When I said in my article "Marriage" that I am not pro for inter-faith marriage, I did not mean that I am against inter-faith marriage. As we all know, we are now living in a multi-cultural society where we are exposed to different cultures , ethnicities, communities and groups. Children study or work together and thus tend to get attracted towards other cultures and look for alliances for a better future. For some, it works and for some, it doesn't. Here, I will explore the reasons of its failure. This is my exploration, and it is possible that it may not match with yours. Separation/divorces are common in every kind of marriage these days, be it arranged, or love, or inter-faith. Before going any further I would like to quote Tolstoy ," यह कहना कि तुम एक व्यक्ति को आजीवन प्रेम करते रहोगे . यह कहने के समान है कि एक मोमबत्ती जब तक तुम चाहोगे , तब तक जलती रहेगी ". :)
In olden times, marriage was considered between 2 families instead of 2 individuals. As a result, people generally verified the roots & values of the families. It was believed that similarities bring less friction and conflicts. Recently, I was listening to a talk given by a man born in Canada to immigrant parents, who married a Caucasian girl. He was happy until one fine day after a year or so she came to him and said, " I don't love you anymore and want a divorce." He felt his world toppling. He went into depression and it took him a while to get back to normal life. Why? Why this remorse? This talk compelled me to think of the reasons behind his sadness and why he rejected reality.
Most children who are going to school feel that by getting education and working in the mainstream, speaking like one of the natives, and eating pizza, makes them a native resident. They feel that by accepting the culture and the language, they are Caucasians. Some of them even think that mingling or marrying with their 'own' people is inferior. What they forget however, is that they are the children of immigrant parents. They have seen their parents struggle through life together, and subconsciously they have imbibed those values pertaining to a successful relationship. They have witnessed their parents' successful marriage which subconsciously has contributed to their psyche. Not only marriage, they also learn or imbibe, knowingly or unknowingly, values, customs, behaviors & so many other things that they witness around them.
Returning to my previous point, I have always maintained that marriage is an acceptance of 2 different families and their backgrounds. However, when children go for inter-faith marriages they don't realize the broad fundamental differences of each other's culture. It may be that for one person parting ways comes as a shock, but for the other it may be considered just a normal part of life. So the acceptance and understanding of 2 different cultures is very important. What may be considered abnormal or unethical in one culture may be very normal and ethical in another culture. If you understand this concept and regardless decide to take the risk, then there is no reason for blame when the relationship comes to an end. An Indian friend of mine was married to his American wife for 7 yrs, however, right after the wife gave birth to their daughter, she declared that she was no longer interested in continuing the relationship. He was not an abusive husband, nor was he unemployed, rather he was caring and loving . He tried everything in his power to save the marriage, but nothing worked. At that time, everybody who knew the husband felt that injustice had been done to him. However, if you look at the situation more deeply, it can be considered that the wife is not to blame. She simply followed her heart and thought it to be normal as per her culture. In some cultures, marriage is not considered for life, regardless of the existence of children.
Some of you must have either read the book or watched the movie " Not Without my Daughter," which is based on a real story by Betty Mahmoody. In this story the differences in two people's roots and values are so strong and distinct, that even though they pretended to forget the differences for some time, it eventually hunted them down and destroyed everything that they had falsely created around them. It is a story of an American woman marrying an Iranian man. The man was a doctor by profession - a sophisticated and thorough gentleman who eventually turned into a male chauvinist, took his wife to Iran by promising their return to the states within 2 weeks. Once In Iran, with his own people the husband became hostile and declared that they were not returning to the United States of America and that she & the daughter will have to live with him and his family in Iran. When the wife confronted him and tried to fight for her freedom and rights, the husband and his family abused her. So eventually we see the family comes into the picture amd makes him succumb to their pressures.
It is not my intention to dwell further into the story of Betty Mahmoody, but I would like to point out that if a person chooses to marry somebody from a different faith, then it is crucial to understand that person's culture, religion, and values thoroughly. Only then, it will be possible to solve misunderstandings. As it is said, marriage is made in heaven, but it is our job to make it work on this earth. We cannot deny the fact that only by birth can one understand the complexities and beauty of one's culture. As outsiders, we can only judge the culture or person, which sometimes can create a world of differences. It is also said, "what counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.”
